Why Holidays Are So Hard For Stepfamilies

I remember my first Christmas as a stepfamily. My son and I moved from Ottawa to the suburbs of Montreal over the summer to start our stepfamily journey with Bernard and his two daughters. We had talked extensively about what our lives would look like as a new family – from managing our work schedules, overseeing the household chores and duties, driving the kids around, and any other day-to-day stuff families have.

One thing we hadn’t anticipated was how hard the holidays were going to be. Up until then, I had spent every Christmas with my parents and sisters. Bernard had never missed being with his parents and his brothers. Our kids had experienced mostly fun and excitement at what would be under the tree.

In our preparation for our move together, we hadn’t addressed what the holidays meant to us, what it would look like, who would go where, and when. We also neglected to talk about money issues:

• do we give to our parents, siblings
• how much to spend on the kids
• what about the other parent

But most importantly, we never talked about scheduling over the holidays.

Schedule Dilemmas

Little did we know that we’d be dealing with last-minute schedule changes, demands on my time to be everywhere, cater to everyone’s needs and wants, and still have a cheerful holiday smile. The women in our family didn’t hold jobs outside of caring for the family. They didn’t understand that while I did many of the same things, I worked 10 to 12 hours a day in a bustling hair salon. The holidays meant that I was exhausted all the time. I wasn’t eating enough. I was super caffeinated – as many hairdressers were at the time. I was a walking zombie from October till January 2nd.

Feeling Alone

I was far from my family – which meant I had very little support. The few friends I had, didn’t have kids of their own, and I felt I couldn’t ask them for help. I couldn’t ask my in-laws either because I thought my son wasn’t their responsibility. I felt judged for the way that I wanted to celebrate the holidays as ‘that’s not the way we do it here.” I felt dismissed and invisible. I felt that what I wanted didn’t matter. I felt truly alone. I didn’t have anyone to talk with.

Bernard didn’t get that I felt out of place. He was on his home turf – close to his parents, daughters, brothers, and friends. Bernard couldn’t understand why I felt so nostalgic about Christmas, the need to recreate something that felt ‘normal’ to me, to create something familiar and safe. And he was still dealing with feelings of guilt around not being with his daughters and his family as much as he used to.

Because this was going to be our first Christmas, I wanted to create a holiday from my childhood and include my new family. I wanted to show Bernard how I could be a good cook, shopper, organizer – a Canadian version of Martha Stewart. I just needed to prove to my mother-in-law that I could fit in and show the girls’ moms that I deserved to be a part of this family. I other words, I was setting myself up for failure. I was tried to recreate something that could never be our reality except for in our heads.

Set Realistic Expectations 

Before you start your holiday extravaganza, begin by asking yourself what your expectations are around the holidays. Focus on ONE thing that would make your holidays memorable, treasured, noteworthy. Make it something under your control, rather than dependent on what others say, do, feel. In other words, keep it realistic. Give yourself permission to try different versions of what your holidays might look like. And don’t be afraid to revisit, restructure, reorganize your holidays to fit your ever-growing and changing family.

Why join the Stepmom Resource Library?

• Expert Guidance: Access to curated resources and tools designed by a certified stepmom coach with years of experience in helping stepmothers navigate their unique challenges.
• Comprehensive Topics: Dive into a wide range of topics essential for stepmoms, including managing stress, setting boundaries, improving communication, dealing with conflict, fostering a positive relationship with stepchildren, and more.
• Practical Strategies: Gain practical tips and strategies that you can implement immediately in your stepfamily dynamics, helping you build a more cohesive and harmonious family environment.
• Supportive Community: Connect with like-minded stepmothers facing similar challenges, providing a supportive space to share experiences, seek advice, and offer encouragement.
• Exclusive Content: Enjoy access to exclusive content not available elsewhere, including worksheets, checklists, templates, and insightful articles tailored specifically for stepmoms.
• Flexible Learning: Learn at your own pace and convenience, with 24/7 access to the library from any device, allowing you to fit learning into your busy schedule.
• Empowerment and Growth: Empower yourself with the knowledge and tools needed to thrive in your stepmom role, fostering personal growth and enhancing your overall well-being.
• Free Membership: Joining the Stepmom Resource Library is completely free, making it accessible to all stepmothers seeking support and guidance on their stepfamily journey.

By joining the Stepmom Resource Library, you're not just gaining access to a wealth of valuable resources; you're also becoming part of a supportive community dedicated to helping you navigate the complexities of stepfamily life with confidence and grace. Don't miss out on this opportunity to empower yourself and transform your stepfamily experience!