Should We Have an Ours Baby?
Key Insights for Stepmoms Navigating
the Decision

Ten years ago, I wrote the article “Should We or Shouldn’t We Have an Ours Baby?” for StepMom Magazine after interviewing 70 stepmoms about their decision to have an "ours" baby.

The insights gained from those interviews revealed the diverse and often emotional considerations that many stepfamilies face when deciding whether to add a mutual child—one born to both parents—into the mix.

The Motivation Behind the Interviews

The inspiration for this topic came not only from observing other stepfamilies but from my own experience. My husband and I also had to weigh this decision carefully. I had a son from a previous relationship, and my husband had two daughters from his first marriage.

Like many of the stepmoms I interviewed, we had concerns about how an "ours" baby might affect our family dynamic.

Our biggest fear was that my son and my husband’s daughters might feel left out, jealous, or unloved if we had a child together.

We were also struggling with some difficult family dynamics, particularly with my husband’s mother, who did not accept me fully as part of the family. This made my son feel unwelcome, and we worried that bringing another child into that environment might worsen the situation.

Key Findings and Statistics

Among the 70 stepmoms I interviewed, the motivations and concerns varied greatly. About half were excited about the idea of having an "ours" baby, believing it would bring the family closer and solidify their place as a stepmom.

Others, like me, had reservations. Roughly 40% of those interviewed were unsure about the idea, expressing concerns similar to mine—how would the new baby affect their relationship with their stepchildren? Would stepchildren feel replaced or less important?

For us, there was also a practical concern.

At the time, we were facing financial challenges, and adding another child to our family simply didn’t make sense. This was a common theme in the interviews as well, where many stepmoms voiced that their desire to have a mutual child was tempered by the reality of financial and logistical constraints.

Hopes and Fears in the Decision-Making Process

Many stepmoms in the interviews hoped that an "ours" baby would be the key to creating a more cohesive family unit. They imagined the child as a bridge between themselves and their stepchildren, or as a way to deepen their bond with their spouse.

I, too, wondered if having a child together might help ease some of the tension we were feeling within our family. However, my husband and I both recognized that no child should carry the responsibility of fixing relationships or holding a family together.

On the flip side, the fear that a new baby might disrupt the family balance was ever-present. For me, the issues I was already experiencing with my husband’s family, particularly his mother, amplified this concern. I worried that my son, already feeling like an outsider, would feel further marginalized if we had an "ours" baby.

This concern resonated with many of the stepmoms I interviewed, especially those who had stepchildren in their early teens—an age when children are particularly sensitive to changes in family structure and attention.

Reflections from Other Stepmoms

Over the years since publishing the original article, I’ve had the opportunity to work with stepmoms who continued to wrestle with the question of whether having an “ours” baby was the right decision.

For some, there was a fear of missing out on motherhood, particularly if they had not yet had biological children of their own. The idea of never experiencing pregnancy or having a child felt like a significant loss for some women. 

Others, however, chose to focus on deepening their relationships with their stepkids and partners, opting not to have an “ours” baby to avoid complicating already delicate family dynamics.

Looking Ahead: More Perspectives to Come

This blog is the first in a series that will explore the many layers of this decision, including how it affects the children, the evolving relationships within stepfamilies, and the broader considerations that come into play.

In future posts, I’ll also be sharing insights from the dads. It’s important to understand how fathers feel about having another child—whether they want to expand their family or focus on their relationship with their existing children.

Additionally, I’ll dive deeper into the perspectives of stepchildren and how the arrival of a new sibling can impact their place in the family.

Ultimately, deciding whether to have an "ours" baby is a deeply personal and complex process.

In our case, my husband and I chose not to. We believed it was important to focus on nurturing the relationships we already had, rather than introducing a new dynamic that might complicate things further. The emotional and financial realities of our situation meant that this decision was best for everyone involved.

For some families, the decision to have a mutual child brings joy and unity.

For others, like us, choosing not to have an "ours" baby can be just as empowering, allowing the family to focus on the bonds that already exist. Every family is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

What’s most important is that the decision is made with care, considering the needs and feelings of everyone involved.