Navigating Conflict With Grace As A Stepmom
Conflict in stepfamilies is normal. Here’s how stepmoms can respond with grace, clarity, and confidence—even when things feel tense or unpredictable.
Read MoreEver get angry because of something your spouse didn’t do? What about when you do tell your partner what you want, you feel ignored.
Watch this video of Shaanen Cross and I talk about expectations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnyrFoVIVgg&feature=share
What are some of the expectations you’ve held in your relationships that have not been productive?
We’d love to hear your comments.
Shaanen Cross is The Love Coach. She’s been through a lot personally and knows a thing or two about men. Her current project is talking with 100 men to find out what they want from women.
Claudette Chenevert is The Stepmom Coach, specializing in helping stepmoms deal with conflict and transition towards harmony.
If you enjoyed this post, feel free to share it with others. Want to learn more about building strong relationships, going from surviving to THRIVING, one STEP at a time, go to www.stepmomcoach.com and sign up to get updates of all teleseminars and workshops Claudette offers. Plus you’ll get her free report on “8 Steps from Conflict to Harmony”
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Hi KG. House chores and neatness is a major issue for so many couples. We see ONE way of how things should be done (for Hubby and I, it’s how to do the dishes) and have a hard time letting go of “our way”. I’ve learned that if I tell Hubby: “Listen, I can appreciate that you like to rinse the dishes before you wash them. How about when I decide to wash the dishes, I do it my way and we accept that it’s just a different way of doing it. As long as they are done.” Of course, there are situations that can be much more challenging than dishes, but the point is that coming from a point of trying to understand WHY it’s important for the other person to do or expect certain things in life, can help us comprehend and connect more.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. -
Too much expectation just can lead to disappointment.
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You are right Adelien. I also think than no expectations at all isn’t any better. It all comes down to having a conversation about those expectations and making them realistic and seeing if the others agree with you and are on board.
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Hi Claudette,
One of my favorite quotes by Oprah Winfrey is “Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.”
This really sums it all up. Just be “you” and don’t settle for anything or anyone that won’t allow you to be you. Most importantly, don’t expect (hold expectations) anyone to change because that comes from “within.”
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Gena, I love that quote “Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.”
I would add that we need to know who “I” is. Some don’t have a clue what makes them tic and therefore rely on others to tell them so.
We need to be silent long enough to listen to our inner guidance and wisdom to open those curtains so we can know at a deeper level our true self. Only then can we not let others’ expectations dictate our lives.Thanks for coming by.
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Good morning Cosmic Twin,
One of my favorite quotes is from the bard himself, William Shakespeare, “Expectations are the root of all heartache.”
My take on expectations – they are such a buzz kill. A major source of anger, frustration, and arguements. Expectations take place between our own two ears without a word said to the person we expect something from. And then we get pissed off because, well, “they should just know what I’m thinking.”
I failed miserably at mind reading.
Great video!
xo
Peggy
***
Peggy Nolan
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com-
Peggy N. You are so right that when we take mind reading and pair it with expectations, it’s a total buzz kill, or as the other Peggy mentioned earlier, deadly.
You really hit the nail on the head when you said: “Expectations take place between our own two ears without a word said to the person we expect something from. And then we get pissed off because, well, “they should just know what I’m thinking.”We don’t take the time to evaluate or question our expectations to see if they are reasonable or not and if the other person is even aware of them.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.
XO
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I think that expectations are deadly. We should expect out of them who they are not our perceived ideas of who they should be. I think we have all seen too many fairy tales where the prince “completes” them. That is not a partner’s role at all. Thanks for the informative conversation.
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Peggy (WB), I believe that to have some expectations can be healthy. It’s the unrealistic ones that are deadly. For example, to not expect someone to help you in the home (kids for example) and not ask for it can make your life challenging and hard. I would say that to have expectations and not expressing them, that is what makes them hard. When we talk about our expectations, we can then verify if they make sense of not. Of course, there will always be someone, somewhere that will come up with ideas that make no sense whatsoever.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments.
-
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I agree that expectations are the cause of issues in all relationships. You’re book reminds me “What do women want from me” from Dan True. Best wishes. Nischala
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Thanks Nischala. I’ve not heard of that book from Dan True. I will have to add this one to my already huge list of books to read. I always love to hear about new resources that helps us have better lives and relationships.
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Hi KG. House chores and neatness is a major issue for so many couples. We see ONE way of how things should be done (for Hubby and I, it’s how to do the dishes) and have a hard time letting go of “our way”. I’ve learned that if I tell Hubby: “Listen, I can appreciate that you like to rinse the dishes before you wash them. How about when I decide to wash the dishes, I do it my way and we accept that it’s just a different way of doing it. As long as they are done.” Of course, there are situations that can be much more challenging than dishes, but the point is that coming from a point of trying to understand WHY it’s important for the other person to do or expect certain things in life, can help us comprehend and connect more.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Too much expectation just can lead to disappointment.
You are right Adelien. I also think than no expectations at all isn’t any better. It all comes down to having a conversation about those expectations and making them realistic and seeing if the others agree with you and are on board.
Hi Claudette,
One of my favorite quotes by Oprah Winfrey is “Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.”
This really sums it all up. Just be “you” and don’t settle for anything or anyone that won’t allow you to be you. Most importantly, don’t expect (hold expectations) anyone to change because that comes from “within.”
Gena, I love that quote “Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.”
I would add that we need to know who “I” is. Some don’t have a clue what makes them tic and therefore rely on others to tell them so.
We need to be silent long enough to listen to our inner guidance and wisdom to open those curtains so we can know at a deeper level our true self. Only then can we not let others’ expectations dictate our lives.
Thanks for coming by.
Good morning Cosmic Twin,
One of my favorite quotes is from the bard himself, William Shakespeare, “Expectations are the root of all heartache.”
My take on expectations – they are such a buzz kill. A major source of anger, frustration, and arguements. Expectations take place between our own two ears without a word said to the person we expect something from. And then we get pissed off because, well, “they should just know what I’m thinking.”
I failed miserably at mind reading.
Great video!
xo
Peggy
***
Peggy Nolan
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com
Peggy N. You are so right that when we take mind reading and pair it with expectations, it’s a total buzz kill, or as the other Peggy mentioned earlier, deadly.
You really hit the nail on the head when you said: “Expectations take place between our own two ears without a word said to the person we expect something from. And then we get pissed off because, well, “they should just know what I’m thinking.”
We don’t take the time to evaluate or question our expectations to see if they are reasonable or not and if the other person is even aware of them.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.
XO
I think that expectations are deadly. We should expect out of them who they are not our perceived ideas of who they should be. I think we have all seen too many fairy tales where the prince “completes” them. That is not a partner’s role at all. Thanks for the informative conversation.
Peggy (WB), I believe that to have some expectations can be healthy. It’s the unrealistic ones that are deadly. For example, to not expect someone to help you in the home (kids for example) and not ask for it can make your life challenging and hard. I would say that to have expectations and not expressing them, that is what makes them hard. When we talk about our expectations, we can then verify if they make sense of not. Of course, there will always be someone, somewhere that will come up with ideas that make no sense whatsoever.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments.
I agree that expectations are the cause of issues in all relationships. You’re book reminds me “What do women want from me” from Dan True. Best wishes. Nischala
Thanks Nischala. I’ve not heard of that book from Dan True. I will have to add this one to my already huge list of books to read. I always love to hear about new resources that helps us have better lives and relationships.