Before You Decide:
Key Considerations for Having an "Ours" Baby

The decision to have a child is not one to take lightly, especially in a stepfamily. For some, it’s a straightforward “yes,” while for others, it’s a hard “no” or perhaps a hesitant “maybe.” Ultimately, it’s a deeply personal choice that only you and your partner can make. In "Should We or Shouldn't We Have An Ours Baby," I talk about more on this topic.

When Bernard and I met, the question of children came up early. It was part of the questionnaire we each completed for the dating agency that introduced us. At the time, I was a single mom and hadn’t thought much about having more children. I already felt the weight of single parenting and was grateful for the support system I had, including family and friends who were there when I needed them.

But as our relationship grew, I began to imagine having a child with Bernard. It felt like a fresh start, an opportunity to experience parenthood differently from my first relationship, where my partner had been mostly absent. Yet, for Bernard, the idea of a “start over” didn’t feel as appealing. He had concerns about how an "ours" baby might impact his existing children and our complicated family dynamics.

As time went on, the reality of our situation became clearer. Bernard’s ex-wife complicated my relationship with his daughters, and I found myself feeling like an outsider—not just with his kids but also with his extended family. I had left behind my own support network, which made balancing the roles of partner, mom, and stepmom even more challenging.

I began to ask myself hard questions: How would a new child fit into our already complex family? Would I have the emotional and logistical support I needed, or would I end up feeling isolated as a single mom again? Adding to these concerns were financial pressures and our family histories of health issues, which I feared might add another layer of stress.

For us, the decision not to have an "ours" baby came down to practical and logical reasons, even though I felt the loss of that possibility for years. Today, when stepmoms come to me with questions about having a child, I can’t answer for them. But I can offer a framework of questions to help them think through what having an "ours" baby would mean for them and their family.

If you’re contemplating this decision, here are some questions to consider.

Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Partner Before Deciding on an "Ours" Baby

1. How solid is your current relationship with your partner?
• A stable relationship provides the best foundation for expanding your family.
2. What’s your relationship like with your stepchildren?
• How do they feel about you, and how do you feel about them? Adding a sibling could impact these relationships.
3. What’s the relationship with the ex-partner and extended family like?
• Strained relationships with ex-partners or extended family can complicate matters further. Are you prepared to navigate these dynamics?
4. Why do you want to have a child right now?
• Be clear about your motivations and whether they align with your partner’s.
5. How might having a child change your life and family structure?
• Think about both the positive and potential challenges a new baby would bring to your blended family.
6. What challenges might arise with a new child?
• Consider how a new baby might impact family dynamics, financial stability, and your relationship with your stepchildren.
7. How prepared are you emotionally and logistically?
• Evaluate your readiness for the physical, mental, and emotional commitment of a new baby.
8. What support system do you have in place?
• Who will help you, both practically and emotionally, as you raise a new child?
9. What’s your current financial situation?
• Financial stability is a key factor in providing for a new baby’s needs, as well as for those of your existing children.
10. Have you and your partner discussed a parenting plan?
• Talk about expectations for caregiving responsibilities, discipline, and shared values before deciding.

Building a Strong Foundation for a Big Decision

It may feel daunting to think through these questions, but believe me, discussing these topics now will save you from potential stress later. A solid foundation of shared understanding and mutual support is key when deciding to bring a new child into a blended family.

If you’re still uncertain, consider talking it over with someone who understands blended family dynamics. A counselor, family therapist, or a support group can provide a safe space to explore your thoughts, fears, and hopes. 

StepMom Magazine also has articles on the topic of "ours" baby if you're interested in learning more.

Your Experience Matters

Have you and your partner decided to have an "ours" baby, or are you currently considering it?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, the questions you’re asking yourselves, or the challenges you’ve faced. For those who have taken this step, what has your experience been like?

There’s no universal answer to the question of having an "ours" baby. It’s a choice deeply rooted in your values, relationship, and family circumstances. My hope is that this series on the topic of [ours' baby] has given you clarity, perspective, and perhaps a bit of peace as you navigate your own path.

Thank you for following along, and remember: whatever you decide, trust that you know what’s best for you and your family.