Feeling Unheard By Your Partner?
Communication and Security Go Hand in Hand
Originally published 2013 — refreshed and updated 2026.
If there's one thing that makes a woman feel secure in her relationship — yes, this goes for men too — it's knowing her partner truly loves her.
Not guesses at it. Knows it.
So many women carry a quiet frustration: he doesn't seem to care. Not about the heartaches, not about the small angers, not about the feelings that pile up over a long week. You pour your heart out, and you're left wondering if he was even listening.
He's Not Ignoring You. He's Wired Differently.
Bernard and I have been together for 35 years. When he had a total laryngectomy in 2023, he lost his voice completely — and we had to rebuild how we communicated from the ground up. I would've told you, before that, that we already knew how to talk to each other.
We didn't. Not really.
Real communication is never automatic. It's built.
That's true whether your partner has lost his voice or simply never learned to use it the way you need him to.
Men and women aren't wired the same way. For most women, love sounds like affection, attention, appreciation, and adoration. For most men, love looks like providing — showing up, working hard, keeping the family afloat. Neither one is wrong. They're just different dialects of the same language.
So how do you bridge that gap? How do you get the attention and affection you're craving without nagging for it?
He Can't Read Your Mind — So Stop Waiting for Him To
Your partner is not a mind reader. He can't guess what you need. You have to say it out loud.
But there's an art to saying it.
He shouldn't feel nagged. He shouldn't feel like nothing he does is ever enough. Here's how you open your mouth without closing his ears.
Drop the complaints. Use what he already does.
Never lead with a complaint — lead with what's working. "Honey, I love it when you help with the dishes" will get you further than "you never help me." Skip the lines that start with "you never" and "you always" and "all you do is." No man wants to sit next to a woman who's building a case against him.
Appreciate the small things — out loud.
Appreciation is the closest thing to a cure-all this work has. A kiss, a hand on the shoulder, a real "thank you" with a smile behind it — small gestures like these can wear down walls that have stood in a marriage for years.
Say exactly what you need.
Skip the backstory. Skip the buildup. Be warm, be specific, and get to the point. He can meet a need he can actually see.
Appreciation is the closest thing to a cure-all this work has.
You're Not on Opposite Teams
Here's what most men will tell you, if you ask: they want to love their partners well. They don't enjoy falling short any more than you enjoy feeling unseen.
You're frustrated because he doesn't seem to hear you. He's frustrated because he can't seem to get it right. Neither of you is the enemy here — you're both just under-resourced for a conversation you were never taught how to have.
If you want to be heard, understood, and satisfied in your relationship, start by noticing the effort that's already there. It's usually bigger than it looks from where you're standing.
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it today. Want to keep building relationships that go from surviving to THRIVING, one STEP at a time? The first step is a free, no-pressure conversation — book yours here.
Great minds think alike. The one thing I would add is that I have learned that communication styles are influenced by values and the way we are socialized far more than by biology.
You are so right Brian. Our environment has a strong influence in what we do and say. Thanks for sharing and doing the work you do.
Wonderful post, Claudette. It was actually quite a revelation to me that my husband could not read my mind! Why not? A lot of my girlfriends seemed to manage it! 🙂
Hi Hi Jackie. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we could all read each other’s minds? We wouldn’t have to put so much energy in building and nurturing our relationships, right? But then, I’m not sure I would want someone to know every thought that passes through my head as they may not all be nice. I’ve learned a while back that Hubby isn’t my Hairy Girlfriend. He’s my Man.
Hi Claudette,
One of the books that was a big eye opener for me was “Love and Respect.” It goes hand in hand with “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” Also, I’m a huge fan of Mark Gungor. Have you seen his clip from his “Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage,” The Tale of Two Brains – hysterical and oh, so true!
xo
Peggy
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Peggy Nolan
https://thestepmomstoolbox.com
Peggy, I’ve not read “Love and Respect” and as you know me, it’s on my list to get now. I love Mark Gungor and his video. He is the best at helping us visualize how different men and women are. When I feel frustrated with Hubby of not listening like I do, I remember that video and smile.
For those how have never seen this video, here is a clip
I have always said the little things are what mean the most to me positive or negative in my relationship, Great article!
Liz, I’m sure you’re not alone in thinking that way. Just last night, my Hubby was folding some towels for me and before I could stop myself, I refolded it so it would fit in my cupboard. He was really hurt. I held back say to him that it wasn’t a big thing because obviously it was for him. Communicating effectively is something we constantly have to work on in order to have strong relationships.
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You pointed out very significant points in communication. thanks for sharing.
Malika. I love communication as it’s what binds us as a family as well as a community. So many issues would vanish if only we took the time to Listen And Then Share. I look forward in sharing more on this topic and thanks for the welcome.
Claudette, what a wonderful post. I heard somewhere and use the analogy that women’s brains are like spaghetti and men’s brains are like waffles. Keeping your tips in mind when communicating will create more harmony. Thanks for sharing. Tandy
AHH Tandy. I love the visuals of spaghetti and waffles. I keep thinking we need to add some sauce/sirop in there some where ;). Thanks for the comment.
Yes, proper communication! Should we use a critical tone, we would end up with more hatred than getting things done.
Michelle, what I see sometimes (and I’ve even done this too) is that we don’t realize that we’re using a critical tone. We don’t always hear what’s coming out of our mouths. We need to become more aware of our thoughts and intentions so that out tone will follow the lead.