What Chores Should Stepkids Do
If They Don’t Live With You Full Time?
If your stepkids only live with you part time, should they still have chores at your house?
I get this question from stepmoms fairly often. Sometimes the kids are there every other weekend. Sometimes they split their time fairly evenly between two homes. And sometimes your partner feels guilty asking them to do chores because, as he sees it, “They’re only here for a few days.”
I understand the thinking.
When you don’t see your kids every day, you probably don’t want the limited time you have together to become a battle over dirty dishes and unmade beds.
But chores for stepkids aren’t really about getting free help around the house.
They’re about teaching children how to take care of themselves, contribute to a household, and eventually become capable adults.
And those lessons still matter whether a child lives in your home seven days a week or four days a month.
Why Chores Matter for Kids
Chores are one of the everyday ways children learn life skills.
Research has found an association between doing household chores during childhood and later feelings of competence, self-efficacy, and prosocial behavior. Of course, chores alone don’t create responsible adults. However, they give kids opportunities to practice responsibility in small, manageable ways.
Children learn things like:
- How to take care of their belongings
- How to prepare food
- How to clean up after themselves
- How to contribute to a shared household
- How to complete something even when they don’t particularly feel like doing it
These aren’t simply household chores. They’re life skills.
And you don’t want to wait until your stepchild is heading off to college or moving into their first apartment to discover they don’t know how to wash their clothes, make a simple meal, or clean a bathroom.
Should Stepkids Have Chores If They’re Only There Every Other Weekend?
Yes—but that doesn’t mean they need the same chore schedule as a child who lives in your home full time.
This is where I think stepfamilies sometimes confuse equal with fair.
If one child lives in your home seven days a week and another child is there four or six days a month, giving both children exactly the same weekly responsibilities probably isn’t reasonable.
On the other hand, having no expectations at all for the child who comes less often can create another problem.
The child who lives there full time may begin thinking:
Why do I have to do everything while they come here and get treated like guests?
That’s not a dynamic you want to create either.
The goal isn’t to make everything exactly equal.
The goal is to find something that feels equitable based on how much time each child spends in the home, their age, and what they’re capable of doing.
Start With Taking Care of Their Own Space
The simplest place to start is personal responsibility.
Regardless of how frequently your stepkids are at your house, they can usually be expected to take reasonable care of the space and belongings they use.
Depending on their age, that might include:
- Putting dirty clothes in the hamper
- Making or straightening their bed
- Putting toys away
- Hanging up wet towels
- Putting clothes and shoes away
- Keeping their bedroom reasonably tidy
- Cleaning up the bathroom after using it
Even very young children can participate.
A three-year-old may not make a picture-perfect bed, but they can pull up the covers. They can put toys into a basket. They can carry dirty clothes to the hamper.
You’re not looking for perfection. You’re helping them learn, When I use something, I have some responsibility for taking care of it.
That’s a lesson they’ll use for the rest of their lives.
Have Kids Help With Meals and Cleanup
Meals are another easy place to introduce household responsibility.
Everyone eats. Therefore, everyone who is capable can participate in some part of preparing or cleaning up after a meal.
Again, responsibilities should match the child’s age and ability.
A younger child might:
- Wash vegetables
- Put napkins on the table
- Carry their cup to the counter
- Help clear unbreakable dishes
An older child might:
- Set the table
- Load or unload the dishwasher
- Wipe down counters
- Prepare part of the meal
- Make a simple breakfast or lunch
- Help clean the kitchen afterward
Teenagers can gradually learn how to prepare complete meals.
These aren’t punishments. They’re opportunities to learn how a household works.
What About Bigger Household Chores?
This is where you and your partner need to talk.
Maybe your stepkids help vacuum when they’re at your house. Maybe they take out the trash. Maybe they help with laundry, yard work, feeding pets, or cleaning a bathroom.
There isn’t one correct chore chart for every stepfamily.
Instead, ask yourselves:
What do we want the kids to learn while they’re growing up in our home?
That question changes the conversation.
Instead of debating whether your stepdaughter “should have to vacuum when she’s only here for the weekend,” you’re talking about the bigger goal.
Do you want her to know how to care for a home?
Do you want your stepson to know how to do his own laundry before he moves out?
Do you want the kids to understand that people who share a household also contribute to it?
Those are parenting questions—not cleaning questions.
What Worked in Our House
When our kids were growing up, we had three children to consider.
My two stepdaughters came to our house one day during the week and every other weekend. My son lived with us full time.
Obviously, that made chores a little complicated.
We had a chore chart on the refrigerator, and some household tasks rotated among the kids. However, when the girls weren’t at our house, my husband and I sometimes took over the chores they would normally have done.
Why? Because it didn’t seem fair for my son to inherit all their chores simply because he lived there full time.
We were trying to balance responsibility with fairness.
Was it perfect? Of course not.
But it worked reasonably well for our family. And that’s really what you’re looking for: something fair enough and workable enough that you can maintain it consistently.
Your Partner Should Take the Lead With His Kids
There is another piece of this conversation that’s especially important for stepmoms.
You shouldn’t have to become the household chore police.
If these are your partner’s children, particularly when you’re still establishing your relationship with them, your partner needs to be actively involved in setting expectations and following through. That is also where healthy boundaries in your stepfamily become important.
You can absolutely have a voice in what happens in your own home. But there’s a difference between having a voice and becoming the person who constantly reminds his kids:
“Pick that up.”
“Put your plate away.”
“Clean your room.”
“Your dad told you to take out the trash.”
That dynamic can quickly put a stepmom into a parenting role she never intended to take on. If you find yourself feeling as though you are doing the parenting alone, you may also find this article helpful: How to Stop Feeling Alone in Parenting Your Stepkids.
Before creating a chore system, talk privately with your partner. Agree on what the expectations are. Then decide who is responsible for communicating and enforcing them.
In many stepfamilies, especially early on, it works better when the biological parent takes the lead.
Be Careful About Parenting From Guilt
One of the reasons chores become complicated when kids don’t live with you full time is parental guilt.
A parent may think:
“I only see my kids every other weekend. I don’t want to spend our time together making them work.”
That’s understandable.
But children don’t need every visit with their parent to feel like a vacation.
In fact, allowing kids to participate in ordinary family life can communicate something important:
You belong here.
You’re not a guest who arrives every other Friday. This is also your home. And being part of a home includes both enjoying it and contributing to it.
You can still have fun. You can go out for pizza, watch movies, take trips, and enjoy your time together. A ten-minute cleanup after dinner doesn’t take that away.
Expect Some Pushback
Will kids complain about chores? Probably.
Children in first families complain about chores too.
The goal isn’t to create a system everyone loves. The goal is to create expectations that are reasonable, predictable, and age appropriate.
If you’ve never required chores before, start small. Don’t hand a teenager a laminated chart containing fifteen new responsibilities on Friday night and expect enthusiasm.
Choose one or two expectations. Let everyone adjust. Then add responsibilities as the kids get older and more capable.
Involve the Kids When You Can
Kids don’t necessarily get to decide whether they’re going to contribute to the household. However, you can give them some choice in how they contribute.
For example:
“Would you rather unload the dishwasher or take out the trash?”
“Do you want to clean your room Friday evening or Saturday morning?”
“Which dinner would you like to learn how to make?”
Giving children some ownership often reduces resistance. It also helps chores feel less like something being imposed on them and more like part of participating in family life.
The Goal Isn’t a Clean House
This may be the most important thing to remember.
The point of chores for stepkids isn’t to get your floors vacuumed. Quite honestly, there will be times when it would be much faster to do the chore yourself.
The point is teaching. You’re helping kids learn how to manage their own lives. You’re teaching responsibility. You’re helping them understand that everyone in a household contributes in some way. And you’re preparing them for the day when you won’t be standing beside them reminding them how to sort their laundry.
So if your stepkids don’t live with you full time, don’t ask, “Should they have chores?”
Ask: “What responsibilities make sense for the amount of time they’re here, their age, and what we’re trying to teach them?”
That’s a much more useful conversation. And if your partner sees chores differently than you do, start there. Before you create a chore chart for the kids, make sure the two adults understand what you’re trying to accomplish.
Because in stepfamily life, the disagreement about the chore is rarely just about the chore.
When You Need Another Stepmom to Talk To
Questions about chores can quickly turn into much bigger questions:
How much authority should I have?
What if my partner doesn’t follow through?
Why am I the only person who seems bothered by this?
Am I expecting too much from my stepkids?
These are exactly the kinds of everyday stepfamily conversations we have inside The Stepmom Community.
It’s a free, private space where you can ask questions, share what’s happening in your stepfamily, and connect with other women who understand how complicated the stepmom role can be.
What a fabulous article, Claudette! ALL kids need to learn responsibility and prepare for adulthood through chores. I love that you and your husband took on the chores for your daughter when she wasn’t with you so your son didn’t take on more. I imagine that would have made him feel resentful if he had to do double duty. I taught my kids how to do their own laundry when they were around 11 and they’ve been doing their laundry ever since. Dishes, sweeping, helping prepare and cook food, taking out garbage, vacuuming, cleaning floors and bathrooms are all things my kids did growing up.
Thanks for this article. I hope parents of young kids take heed and take the time to teach their kids responsibility through age appropriate chores.
This is a really helpful article, Claudette. I think there are many who don’t realise the importance of chores for helping children grow into independent adults. As you pointed out, even the littlest kids can help out with some things. The two-year-old Goddess is really good about packing up the toys she uses when visiting my place and the older ones love to help with preparing food. Your scheduling idea offers a great solution for families with stepkids who may not live in the house full time.
Claudette this information is so helpful! Your wisdom would be great for parents in general! It is the accountability that becomes a problem – for the parents. I find that children need the structure and when parents don’t structure their own lives, they automatically teach that to their kids. I also like having the input of the kids when making the chore list or schedule. Just like adults, when they are enrolled in the process they are less resistant to comply.
Wish I had all your wisdom when I was a young mom!
Hi Claudette,
This is a great article. I agree – chores are more than just picking up after yourself. You are teaching kids to be self-sufficient and well-equipped adults. For us, we have the kids clean their rooms, sort and put away their laundry, pick up their dishes after food and wipe down the table. They also (we have a six-year-old and a pre-teen – and a baby on the way) clean all the floors upstairs. They now do a great job and understand that when they can’t find things, it’s probably because they have a mess!
All the best,
A. S. Noraford
http://www.blendedfamilysurvivalguide.com
Jackie, love your analogy of goalposts are always moving. What I find is that parents tend to want to delay as long as possible doing the “hard stuff’ with their kids, especially if they work full time or they only see their kids every other weekend. These parents want to be see as cool and fun parents. Unfortunately, the consequences can be high if these parents don’t start young. Having kids doing chores is an easy place to start.
Thanks for dealing with this important issue, Claudette. Family life is a work in progress, and the trouble with kids is the goalposts are always moving. They grow up and, before you know it, they’re capable of doing much more than just the dishes but sometimes, as parents, we’re a bit slow to catch up with the changes. Thanks for the reminder to stay pro-active!
Outta curiosity, what kind of chores did you expect from your stepkids who were only at your home a few days out of the month? My husband thinks if the kids are not there for too long that they shouldn’t have to do a weekly chore. I am not sure how to compromise with this as I agree with this article.
Hi Janae. Great to see you here. When my stepdaugthers came over only every other weekend, we still had them take care of their room (this was a non-negotiable rule) as well as help with the dishes. Now that they are in their 30s, they thanked us for showing them how to take care of themselves. When they were at University, they say so many kids not able to even do basics like sorting for laundry, making simple meals and keeping their very tiny space tidy. These students had the most challenging times at school, not because of the subject they were enrolled to learn, but in basic life skills.
I would suggest to ask your husband what is the one thing he wants his kids to learn from him? That he will do it all for them or that he taught them everything they need to in order to be happy and successful in adulthood?
Thanks for the question Janae. Let me know if there is anything else you need.
nice informative article. very useful article for new parents 🙂
Thanks Amar. I believe that as parents, we have good intentions in raising great kids. Sometimes we just want to “protect” them too much. The best place for kids to learn how to become productive and happy adults is at home, when they see their parents do the same.
I think that chores are completely important in running a household and kids should definitely be a part of it. When my daughter used to visit with her dads on weekends, he always had a chore pending for her – whether it was to walk the dogs, or do the dishes, he never acted as though she wasn’t part of the overall family and was a “guest” he got her right down and dirty..
Keep it Touched,
KG
KG – that’s exactly why chores are essential for kids that don’t live full time in one home. You don’t want them to feel like guests but a part of the family. Families contribute and support one another in creating something unique and fun. We all need to feel that we belong and yes, doing chores is part of that too.
Thanks for your thoughts. I always like to read what you have to say.
I totally agree that children should have their chores around the house. My four year old always takes his plate and cup to the sink after eating and when I ask him to tidy his room, he does a stellar job (for his age). I try my best not to sound like a nag and tell him how helpful he is and how nice his room looks. I do lose it sometimes and go off on a rant about toys on the floor, etc., but like I said, I try my best! 🙂
Ann-Marie, as parents, we all lose it at times. We lead hectic lives, trying to fit in so much in so little time. I also think that kids need to see us as human beings with all our greatness and flaws. If we can see ourselves as mentors and role models for our kids and leave space for them to come to us and share their thoughts and ideas, then we are doing a great job. Kids need to know that it’s OK to fall and that someone is their to pick them up. It’s all part of learning to grow.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.