A New Sibling:
How Stepchildren May Feel
About an "Ours" Baby
When I first began exploring stepfamily dynamics, there was limited information available on the implications of remarried couples having an 'ours' baby. Discussions rarely covered the potential impact on step and half-siblings.
Over the years, I've witnessed a range of outcomes, both positive and negative. Following the release of my initial blog post in this series, I received valuable insights via email from Dr. Patricia Papernow, a leading expert in the field. She shared some of the latest research that sheds light on this complex issue.
She pointed out that "the research is just beginning to pay attention to the relationships between stepsiblings and half-siblings." Previous studies often grouped these relationships together, which obscured the unique dynamics each type of sibling relationship brings. However, with a new focus on half-sibling relationships, we are now starting to understand the often unseen impact that an "ours" baby can have on the entire family.
I think it’s important to listen to stepkids and their experiences. While we can’t predict the future, we can anticipate potential outcomes based on research and real-life experiences. These insights can provide valuable information for you to consider when deciding whether to have a child with your new partner and what to be mindful of.
Here are some issues, though not all-inclusive, that I wanted to share with you.
Feelings of Displacement and Jealousy
One of the key issues half-siblings face when an "ours" baby arrives is the feeling of displacement. Research by Ganong, Coleman, and Sanner (2020) highlights how half-siblings often experience emotional struggles when a new baby joins the family.
Dr. Papernow referenced my previous post as older children "feeling attention yanked away" and how the addition of a new sibling can stretch family resources thin. Children who are used to a certain level of attention from their biological parent may fear that the new baby will divert that focus, leaving them feeling less important or neglected.
This is especially true for older stepchildren, who might perceive the new half-sibling as a competitor for their biological parent's affection. According to research from Landon, Ganong, and Sanner (2021), half-siblings sometimes report feelings of jealousy, as they see the biological parent-child bond between their parent and the "ours" baby as stronger than the bond they share with that parent.This perception can create emotional distance between half-siblings and lead to long-term rivalry if not addressed properly.
Shifts in Family Dynamics
The introduction of a new baby often alters family dynamics, particularly between half-siblings. The research by Donagh et al. (2022) shows that the addition of a new family member can exacerbate existing tensions, especially in stepfamilies where half-siblings are already navigating complex relationships.
Half-siblings may feel like the new baby is the "real" child of the family, pushing them further to the margins of family life. This perception can lead to feelings of exclusion, especially when the stepchildren already feel uncertain about their place within the family.
While some stepfamilies successfully integrate the new sibling, others may face struggles as stepchildren adjust to the new family structure.
The review conducted by Leeuw et al. (2024) highlights that full siblings tend to have closer bonds, and half-siblings may struggle to match that closeness, especially if the "ours" baby brings a stronger biological tie between the parents. As a result, half-siblings might feel disconnected from this new family unit, seeing themselves as outsiders in their own home.
This is especially true if the older children feel that the family is trying to “pass” as a nuclear family, which can lead to feelings of being left out or misunderstood.
Emotional Adjustment and Role of Open Communication
The emotional adjustment to a new sibling varies widely among stepchildren. Some may feel excitement and curiosity, while others experience frustration or jealousy. It’s important to give children space to express these emotions, whether they are positive or negative. Validating their feelings and giving them room to process the changes without being dismissed is key to helping them navigate the transition.
Sanner, Coleman, and Ganong (2020) found that younger "ours" children in stepfamilies often witness the stress their older half-siblings experience during family transitions. Half-siblings may feel overwhelmed by the complexity of the family structure, especially when there is tension between the stepparent and their biological parent. This can lead to feelings of confusion, frustration, and even guilt.
Children who feel heard and understood tend to adjust better over time. Open and honest communication about the new family dynamics can help stepchildren feel more secure and reduce feelings of resentment. As Dr. Papernow suggests, addressing the origins of family dynamics early and lifting the taboo around these conversations can help half-siblings forge closer relationships.
Shared Residence and Time Together
Research by Leeuw et al. (2024) indicates that the amount of time half-siblings spend living together significantly affects the closeness of their relationship. Half-siblings who grow up in the same household tend to develop stronger bonds, while those who see each other part-time, often due to custody arrangements, may struggle to connect.
This discrepancy can become more pronounced with the introduction of an "ours" baby, who shares full-time residence with both biological parents. The lack of shared time between older half-siblings and the new baby can lead to an increased sense of division within the family.
As the 2021 study by Landon, Ganong, and Sanner found, half-siblings who only interact occasionally may feel less responsibility for or attachment to their younger sibling, further complicating family cohesion.
Long-Term Relationship Building
While the early stages of welcoming an "ours" baby can be stressful, the long-term outlook for sibling relationships is not always negative. Donagh et al. (2022) found that over time, many half-siblings adjust to the new family structure and form meaningful bonds with their younger siblings.
Shared experiences, whether through family events or day-to-day life, can help strengthen these relationships, especially if the family makes intentional efforts to create bonding opportunities.
Dr. Papernow also emphasized the importance of family activities that include all children. She noted that "parents encouraging or even requiring half-siblings to reach out to each other" and normalizing family connections during significant events can help reduce feelings of exclusion (Oliver, 2018).
Furthermore, research has shown that half-siblings who live together most of the time, who are closer in age, and who are female are more likely to develop closer relationships (Oliver-Blackburn, 2024).
The addition of an "ours" baby can significantly impact the half-sibling relationship, bringing feelings of displacement, jealousy, and exclusion, along with shifts in family dynamics.
However, as Dr. Patricia Papernow and other researchers have pointed out, with open communication, intentional parental involvement, and careful attention to the unique dynamics at play, families can create an environment that fosters closeness and connection between all siblings—step, half, and full.
By understanding and anticipating these challenges, parents can foster healthier relationships between all siblings and create a more cohesive blended family.
As you consider the possibility of having an "ours" baby, these insights provide a glimpse into what might happen and offer practical strategies to ensure the best possible outcome for everyone involved.
In the next post, we’ll explore the couple's dynamic and how maintaining a strong relationship between partners can make this transition smoother for the entire family.
Stay tuned!