The 30-Year Stew: Why Playing the Long Game Matters
If you're in the thick of a strained relationship with your stepkids, building a relationship with stepkids can feel like it takes forever—sometimes it does. Here's a story about what that long game actually looks like.
We've all been there. You try something new, spend an hour in the kitchen trying to be the "nutritious and adventurous" parent, only for it to blow up in your face. For me, that explosion was flavored with cumin and raisins.
The Text That Triggered a Memory
This week, a group text popped up. My youngest stepdaughter shared a photo of a menu item: Moroccan Beef Stew. She followed it with a laugh emoji.
My oldest stepdaughter immediately chimed in: "OMG! Did you eat it?"
At first, I was confused. Then, that familiar pang—the one that creeps into a stepmom's heart when she feels like the "outsider"—returned. I realized what this was. For nearly 30 years, my Moroccan Chicken Stew has been the family's running joke. It was the "disgusting" meal with the raisins.
I had made it decades ago before I knew they hated raisins. Ever since, it's been their go-to example of my kitchen failures.
The "Bernard" Factor
I stayed quiet. I watched the bubbles dance on the screen but didn't contribute. My husband, Bernard, was genuinely confused: "I missed something. What's the problematic ingredient? I don't see raisins here."
The girls jumped in, calling my chicken the "most controversial meal ever made." As they went back and forth with their dad, I felt that old urge to defend myself, to explain how hard I'd worked, or to voice how much the joke actually hurt.
But I didn't. I waited.
The Breakthrough
Then, the moment that changed everything. My youngest wrote:
"We were such shits. You likely worked super hard on that meal to do something different and we've been b!%#ing about it for almost 30 years. SORRY!!!"
The oldest followed up immediately:
"100% we were shitty, sorry! If it's any consolation, my kids are equally shitty to me about things I make. The harder I work on a meal, the less likely they are to like it."
The Lesson: The Power of the Pause
I finally responded: "Thanks, I appreciate the realization that prepping meals is a crap shoot."
In that moment, the "Stepmom vs. Stepchildren" dynamic dissolved into a "Parent vs. Parent" connection. They finally saw me—not as a target for a joke, but as a person who had tried.
Here is my wisdom for you this week:
It's a Crap Shoot: Whether you are a bio-parent or a stepparent, you won't get it right 100% of the time. When they are teens, that "success rate" might drop to 10%. That isn't a reflection of your worth; it's just the nature of the job.
Don't React, Reflect: By not jumping into the text thread to defend myself or vent my hurt, I created space. That silence gave the girls room to reflect on their own behavior.
The Long Game is Real: Sometimes, the apology you deserve takes 30 years to arrive. But when it does, and it comes from a place of their own lived experience as parents, it is so much sweeter.
Next time you feel that "pang" in the family group chat, try stepping away for ten minutes. Give them the space to find their own way to the truth.
Stepmothering is the ultimate long game. Think back to a moment that felt like a "failure" years ago. Knowing what you know now—and seeing how your stepkids have grown—can you look back on that moment with a little more grace for yourself?
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